Ja-ja-ja-ja-jaded

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Josh is jaded

Well, I've reached the mid-season, and McMurdo charm is ebbing away like the snowpack in town.  It's great to know my way around the town, but it's really frustrating sometimes to not be in control of your own time whatsoever.  The work weeks is really getting to me... we work 10 hour days, 6 days a week.  By the time Sunday rolls around, I have so much stuff to do that I feel rushed on my day off.  It's not truly a day of rest as I feel like it should be.  Maybe my self-righteousness is due to the fact that this is my first real-world job and have had the luxury of college for the last 4 years, but it's how I feel nonetheless. (I think this picture of Josh pretty accurately represents how I can feel on some days).

I'm certainly doing fine here and am not desperate to come home or anything, but being in one spot without the freedom to go anywhere, with VERY little free time is taking its toll.  I miss my mom, my dog, trees and friends.  I think two months might be enough for me at a time - it would be nice to come down for 6 or 8 weeks as a scientist, live at a remote field camp and go back home.  It's not like "Antarctica" (the concept, the exoticism, the vastness) has itself become stifiling: I don't think that could ever happen on this white block of ice - it's that being a labor worker in McMurdo has become stifiling.  And I'm one of the lucky ones; my job takes me around the continent more than any other first-year job.  I feel very fortunate, comparatively.  If I could come down in an ideal capacity, it would be as a scientist.  I would be down here in a project in which I was emotionally invested, I would see the project through and leave when it was done (as opposed to seeing little bits of projects, working with them in a way that a mercenary fights in a war- not caring about the true meaning or cause, just down to make a buck.  I don't like feeling that way about my job, but it's set up to be that way.  Sorry for the long metaphor.)

There are still fun things that I'm getting to do, though, like working at the BFC (basically a huge Outdoor Program) and possibly (nothing's for sure yet) going to the South Pole for a few weeks.  And the fuel tanker ship and supply vessel offload sound pretty exciting - I love a "final push" mentality about organizations.  Maybe that's why I was so good about procrastinating in college.  My boss is a good and fair boss, but I don't like not being able to budget and allocate my time, or keep my own schedule.  If I could work 10 hours a day on projects, but have a little freedom to push and pull things around in my schedule, I could still get my work done and not feel as much like a piece of equipment and more like a responsible person.